So we’re six whole months into 2015. HOW HAS IT BEEN SO FAR?
Well, for me it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster.
I’ve never been particularly good at listening to my gut instinct, particularly because it often goes against what is considered sensible. At the start of the year I decided that had to change, because being sensible wasn’t working for me. In practice that’s meant walking away from situations that feel bad, with a significantly decreased tolerance for ‘sticking them out’. I am notorious for sticking with things long after it’s clear to everyone else that it’s not working, so this isn’t a flake issue; if anything I’ve had to learn that the opposite is true. I’ve had to learn that it’s actually okay to flake, sometimes. (Not all the time. But sometimes.)
Yes, that means people look at me strangely sometimes. But I’ve decided I’m not really bothered by those people, harsh as that sounds. Whatever works for them, good for them. But it’s not for me. Because I am a weirdo, and the alternative, I’ve realised, isn’t worth looking good on paper for.
Much of the year has been defined by the ludicrously brilliant opportunity that I’ve got coming up later in the year. Some people reading this may already know what it involves; suffice to say, for now, that I’m ridiculously excited by it. It’s also very scary, in that way all the best opportunities are; I’ve got a chance, and I’m desperate not to fuck it up. Some people understand that, others just say they do. In the past I would have sought too much approval from the people who don’t get it; nowadays… well I’m still pretty bad for that, but I do give a tiny bit less headspace to those people.
On being a weirdo. Well, yes, I am one. I often make jokes nobody else gets; retreat to my own company whenever it all gets too much (often); make choices that I can see confuse those around me. I’m very live-and-let-live; one of the things I’ve learned is that happiness looks different to everyone, so it’s not really fair of me (or on me) to dictate what that should look like. Half the time those choices confuse me, but they’re based on whether I feel good about them or not. If I don’t, what’s the point? To look like I’m doing life correctly? Well, that’s not a thing.
I’m very privileged in lots of ways and, as a result, can make choices that embrace my inherent strangeness. Many, many people don’t have the opportunity to live life on their own terms. Surely having the choice, and trying instead to live life on pre-defined terms, is an insult to those people?
Leaning into the steer* of my own strange being brings more rewards than resisting it, really. Making illogical, borderline stupid choices seems to work for me, at least for now.
Improv and yoga are also good, I’ve learned.
I’m rambling, obviously.
In writing all this down, I realise that a lot of it has been defined by my own reactions to other people, and to myself. Mostly what I’m trying to say is that 2015 so far has been a big adventure and I’ve learned a lot, even if it has been completely bonkers. I hope the rest of 2015 follows suit.
I also took this photo on Saturday night while I was out at a party. It’s a technically awful photo but of an amazing view. So that’s nice.
*Never really got that phrase, if I’m being honest.